I have always felt this sadness and emptiness. I feel as if I am paralyzed with my own thoughts. Entangled thoughts. Thoughts aroused by unpleasant memories. I can feel my heart throbbing as I am trying to hold my breath. I feel as if I could slit my wrist and let the pain move from my mind to my hands. I just keep having repeated thoughts of ending my life. Why is this feeling so severe and terrible? This trigger is unbearable. I feel like I have always shut myself down ever since things ended with people whom I considered as my good friends. I have been feeling so lonely and broken from the inside. I am trying not to give a shit about all these bothersome feelings because I want peace. I just feel like I could actually die. I feel like a part of me is deeply lost forever. To those people whom I have welcomed heartily in my life, I feel like it is my fault to be my authentic self and let you all know my deepest scar even when I knew that I was hurting and I was begging for help. I feel like a pathetic loser after all that happened. I feel like I can never really seek for help from anyone in this lifetime because I am aware about how this is my battle. The only warrior in this battlefield who is unarmed and struggling to survive. These thoughts have seriously numbed my feelings because it is too much to feel. I spent days and nights to learn about regulating my emotions. But, here I am trying to suppress all my emotions and try not to have another panic attack or breakdown.
Dear Life,
I really felt for a while that I was happy and living my life. I somehow feel
that I am digging my own grave. Everything is fading. I see no colors in life.
I am trying to. I am trying to be more patient and compassionate with myself
but it’s been more than two months since I’ve been wanting to fee genuinely proud
of myself and happy for myself for how far I have come. It feels like this is
another episode of my depression like in the series. I constantly work on
myself only to be more lost and hopeless. I have been trying to rest and relax more
often and give myself a break. Something or the other thing keeps my mind occupied. It is so suffocating to breathe in this skin. Is this the end for me?
